One of the things I love about working in hospitals is the number of people I encounter who are kind but not nice.
One of the things that disappointed me about working in churches was the number of people I encountered who were nice but not kind.

What do I mean? Well, let’s break down these concepts…

Kindness is a character trait in which people seek to embody compassion to one another. Kind people consider the feelings of others and try to act in ways which will benefit others. Kindness feels fairly straightforward compared to the other trait…

Niceness revolves around adhering to social norms —politeness, decorum, good manners—, though it doesn’t require true consideration of others’ needs and feelings. Niceness involves surface-level things like greeting people when passing them in the hallway, wearing appropriate clothing, and keeping conversation polite. A synonym might be “civility.”

Now, I should mention that the two aren’t mutually exclusive. Plenty of people manage to be both nice and kind. (In fact, in some cases, kindness necessitates also being nice.) But it’s certainly possible to be one without the other.

I find kindness without niceness to be rather endearing really. I’ve experienced some deeply kind people who seem brash or rude at first glance. Emergency department and ICU nurses are a little notorious for this; they are deeply compassionate, but they don’t have the time for niceties.

By contrast, niceness without kindness really unnerves me because you can use niceness and civility to justify all kinds of oppression. Too many times in church work, I heard some variation of “We don’t want those people here; we’re trying to keep this place nice.” or the more subtle “We want them here, but we want them to behave nicely while they’re here.” Niceness without kindness has a way of trying to control others and make them fit certain molds, and it often discourages people from taking stands on important issues. “We hear you that you want LGBT kids to be included, but we have some other people here who might not like that, and we don’t want to upset anyone…” Niceness without kindness can be great for maintaining an oppressive (or at least negligent) status quo. After all, niceness by its very nature shows deference to existing structures and norms, while kindness may call us to question why those structures and norms exist.

What brought all this to mind recently was a “scandal” in Washington where the Senate majority leader has tried to relax the dress code, and multiple Senators are up in arms about trying to keep the environment respectful (i.e. nice). Mind you, these are people who were elected to take stands on controversial issues— people who should be able to spar with one another for the sake of the rights and freedoms of their constituents. Much of the controversy has revolved around Sen. John Fetterman, who is famous for two things (1) aggressively standing up for underprivileged people and (2) showing up to work in shorts and a hoodie. Fetterman’s persona is textbook kindness without niceness; the Senators flipping out over his attire… well… they seem like the opposite. “Yes, we’re going to take away rights and increase the economic burden on already-struggling people, but gosh dang it, we’re going to be nice while we do it.” Again, niceness demands adherence to a status quo, while kindness may call for change, and that has a way of making people uncomfortable.

When I read the Bible, I see Jesus often operating with kindness but not niceness. He talked about controversial and unpopular things. He called people out and made the rich and powerful uncomfortable. He criticized institutions. He famously turned over tables. Jesus could certainly be nice, but it was never at the expense of kindness. In fact, many of the times Jesus was nice to people (children, lepers, the woman at the well, Zacchaeus, etc.), he violated existing social norms by doing so! It seems that, when following Jesus, kindness is mandatory, but niceness may be optional.

So if you encounter people who are kind but not nice, rejoice.
If you encounter people who are nice but not kind, be wary.
And if you find yourself having to choose between the two,
always be kind.