I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve heard it: some terrible thing happens, and the person I’m talking with braces themselves with the words “I’ve got to be strong.” They tense up, furrow their brow, grit their teeth, and I roll my eyes a little. You see, nine times out of ten, “I’ve got to be strong” is code for “I’ve got to stuff my feelings down, shut out my support systems, and try to tough through this on my own.” This strategy is the shortest possible distance between the present moment and a complete emotional collapse later on down the road, and I’ve made it my practice lately to talk people out of “being strong.”

Here’s the thing, most of the protagonists of the bible aren’t “strong” people by this definition. Most of them are normal everyday people (many of whom have some pretty major character flaws) who find themselves in situations beyond their control and call out to God for help. The few characters who do fit the current cultural definition of “strong” are always oppressors, tyrants, and sadists, and they’re almost always humbled by the ends of their stories. If you want “strong,” don’t look to Joseph or Ruth or Jesus; look to Pharaoh and Saul and Xerxes. In the bible, God doesn’t really ally with the “strong” people; instead, God sides time and again with underdogs who have enough self-awareness and humility to realize they need help.

So if you’re ever tempted to give yourself the “be strong” pep talk, make sure you’re taking a moment to define what “strength” really is. Maybe let your strength come from your relationships to others. Let your strength come from knowing your limits and asking for help when you need it. Let your strength come from an awareness of your coping mechanisms and your ability to communicate these to the people around you. Let your strength come from reliance on a higher power, be it God or Love or whatever guiding force keeps you going. But however you define it, don’t settle for the “strength” which tells you to tough through your pain alone and unsupported because that’s not strength; it’s delusion.

…but God said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)