A “crisis” is any situation, expected or otherwise, which disrupts the normal flow of life and family. Whether a death, divorce, job loss, move, or mental health emergency, everyone eventually experiences a crisis, and everyone responds differently. Unfortunately, for those providing support, someone else’s crisis can be highly uncomfortable, and there are a number of cliches which escape our lips to occupy the uncomfortable space. From what I’ve studied and seen in nearly a decade of ministry, saying nothing at all and just being present is almost always the best option, but if you feel like you have to say something, I have a suggestion:
What not to say:
“Well, at least it’s not… (usually cancer).”
Why it’s bad:
Look, as a general rule, no comforting sentiment has ever involved the words “at least.” I’ve been working in hospitals for three years now, and I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve heard patients and visitors look at a medical condition and say something along the lines of, “Well, at least it’s not cancer.” or “There are a lot of other people in this hospital who have it worse.” People in pain sometimes use these expressions as positive self-talk; they’re a way of saying, “It’s not all that bad. I can get through this. Let’s keep things in perspective.” This alone may not be harmful; in fact, it can prove a useful coping strategy. Still, there’s a dark side to this style of thinking, as these expressions frequently run the danger of dismissing emotions:
“Well, at least it’s not…”
easily morphs into
“Other people have it worse, so I have no right to complain.”
and, from there, it’s not a far leap to,
“I am such a weakling. Here I am complaining when others have it worse.”
Usually, all of this is in the subtext, and a person’s tone when saying “at least it’s not” may reveal the thoughts underlying the phrase. Of late, I have started gently pushing back, “Does knowing there are people here with cancer make your own pain any less?” The answer is always no, and once the “at least it’s not” is out of the way, we can have a more open conversation about what the other person is feeling.
Better option:
“This sounds like a scary situation to say the least. How are you feeling?”
Why it’s better:
There’s an old joke around hospitals: “What’s the difference between a major surgery and a minor surgery? If it’s happening to me, it’s major.” It’s always different when you’re the one facing a crisis, and what might be tempting to dismiss as “minor” can still bring up deep and overwhelming feelings. I used the word “scary” above, but you could really say any strong negative feeling: frustrating, lonely, painful, etc. What’s important here is acknowledging the other person’s difficult position and inviting the other person to share openly. That’s where healing can be found.
Resist the urge of “at least it’s not…”
Focus on what people are feeling.