“Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of ‘You’re not alone.’” —Brené Brown

“Writing, or at least good writing, is an outgrowth of that urge to use language to communicate complex ideas and experiences between people. And that’s true whether you’re reading Shakespeare or bad vampire fiction— reading is always an act of empathy. It’s always an imagining of what it’s like to be someone else.” —John Green

The world is full of lonely people, and the more we hone our empathy, the more bridges we can build. Empathy requires thorough exploration of our own feelings, thoughts, and experiences, and this in turn requires vulnerability with ourselves. As stated earlier, I can never truly know someone else’s pain, but I can recall my own feelings of pain and let those feelings guide how I interact. As such, one of the best ways to build up your own empathy muscles is reflection on your own experiences (ideally with the help of a professional counselor). Knowing yourself helps tremendously as you get to know others.

To build up your empathy, you can also intentionally expose yourself to works of fiction which help connect you with certain feelings. For example, I used to joke with people, “Hey, there’s a new season of BoJack Horseman out, so I need to go be sad for about 72 hours.” While I joked, the show really did help me better connect with sadness, anger, helplessness, and depression through the characters’ experiences. As author Neil Gaiman once put it, “Fiction gives us empathy: it puts us inside the minds of other people, gives us the gifts of seeing the world through their eyes. Fiction is a lie that tells us true things, over and over.” Author Patrick Rothfuss even describes reading fiction as “empathy training.” (Can you tell I sort of ran out of room for all the great quotes about fiction and empathy? There are a lot of them.) So yeah, grab a book or turn on an episode of Ted Lasso or listen to a Semler album or something; fiction is there to help you explore your feelings and the feelings of others. It’s empathy training.

Lastly —and this may seem a little awkward, but bear with me—, practice. When you’re in conversations with people you trust, take some guesses at how they might be feeling. This can be as informal as a quick “How are you feeling?” to check against your guess, or you could even say, “I want to make sure I’m really hearing you on this. Am I right that you’re feeling _______ about the situation?” This type of practice can feel a little clunky at first, but it’s useful for checking out how open you really are to others’ feelings, and of course, being vulnerable with your own feelings can make the conversation flow that much more naturally. (And FYI, if you ever pursue chaplaincy education, you’ll have these kinds of conversations a lot.)

So yeah, practice on yourself, practice on fiction, and practice on willing friends. Empathy is a skill you can develop and sharpen, and I really believe the world would be a better place if we did.

One last note:
Some people struggle with over-empathizing (i.e. sharing in feelings to the point where it is almost debilitating). Author Karla McLaren has done a lot of work in this field, and her book The Art of Empathy is just as much tailored to those wanting to rein in their empathy as those wanting to unleash it.