Idolizing sex, placing personal piety over social injustice, shaming women, perpetuating sexism and patriarchy, diluting Christian theology (if not ignoring it entirely), erasing LGBTQ folks, straight-up lying about STDs— purity culture commits a multitude of sins.

Now, look, I’m not saying we need to throw out the concept of abstinence entirely —it can be healthy when chosen freely—, but look at the fruits of Evangelical churches’ approach to sex. We hear about a new church sex scandal every week. With the sheer number of abuses and coverups, an entire #ChurchToo movement has risen up alongside the #MeToo movement. And on top of all this, Evangelicals actually have a higher divorce rate than nonreligious Americans, suggesting all the bluster of “protecting the sanctity of marriage” hasn’t done a thing to create healthy marriages. Sure, Josh Harris issued a pseudo-apology for I Kissed Dating Goodbye, but the damage has been done, and the harvest is bitter.

Think about it:
When you take a young man (like the one I mentioned at the very beginning of this series), tell him sex with a woman will be the greatest pleasure he can ever attain, promise him sex three times a day with no consideration of his partner’s needs, and then tell him to wait (under penalty of damnation) for years or decades or even the rest of his life, would you really expect any other result?
Would you really expect not to cause trauma?
Would you really expect not to make some monsters?

It’s time to ditch purity culture. It’s time to talk openly and honestly about sex. Because, at the end of the day, purity culture has astonishingly little to do with Jesus, so maybe it’s time we ask the question instead:

What would a sexual ethic truly driven by the person of Jesus look like?

By all canon accounts, Jesus was single, and he seems to place no demand on his followers to marry or have children. In fact, Paul later argues Christians should remain single to focus on the work of ministry. As such, perhaps singleness (not marriage) should be the default mode for Christians. We should place a heavy emphasis on getting to know ourselves, identifying our own desires and hopes in conversation with the Holy Spirit, and bringing romance into the picture only after making strides toward a more full awareness of ourselves and how we can serve our neighbors. Yes, some people have a strong drive to seek out a partner, but not everyone does, and even for those seeking romantic companionship, self-awareness is a stronger starting point than desperately seeking “God’s perfect partner.”

So whether you’re single or in a relationship or married or dating around,
whether you’re looking for romance or romance isn’t for you,
no matter how your unique sexuality may look,
take time to get to know yourself,
spend time assessing what you want and don’t want,
spend time reexamining the things you heard about sex growing up
(especially if you grew up in an environment which preached purity culture),
and remember that a true Christ-centered sexual ethic
will honor and respect every part of every person— especially you.

No matter what path you choose or what happens along the way,
you are made in the image of God.
Nothing can ever diminish or tarnish that.
And screw any doctrine which tries to tell you otherwise.