Purity rings, abstinence pledges, courting— Evangelical Christianity has a particular and peculiar stance on human sexuality. If you’re like me, you grew up surrounded by this “Purity Culture,” which relies on poorly sourced data, psychologically harmful misinformation, and carefully prooftexted bible verses. The effects of Purity Culture have been almost universally negative, and I wonder what it would look like for Christians to talk about sex more healthily. In each post in this series, I’ll give a misconception I heard growing up and offer a healthier counterpoint.

This week’s Purity Culture misconception:
“Men desire sex all the time.”

For all the religion’s prudishness, Evangelicalism prizes male fixation on sex.
There’s a common trope of hyper-masculine pastors bragging about a “smoking hot wife,” and most “men’s ministry” I’ve encountered works under the assumption that any man older than 11 is thinking about sex 24/7. Admittedly, our popular culture has hyped up such toxic masculinity with stereotypes and non-existent statistics like “Men think about sex every seven seconds.” (For the record, it would be impossible to hold a conversation, much less a job, if this statistic were true.) I think it’s fair to say our stereotype-laden pop culture has had a greater influence on Purity Culture than anything in the Bible or Christian history. Over-emphasis on male sexual appetite doesn’t really appear in the New Testament, and where it shows up in the Old Testament, it always gets people into trouble (Judah, Samson, David, etc.). Men across cultures and time periods have had some over-the-top ways of communicating their sexual prowess, but Purity Culture adherents paradoxically prize the male sex drive even as they decry it.

As stated previously, Purity Culture is littered with double standards, and while female shame tends to focus on modesty, male shame finds its root in lack of sexual appetite or prowess. Guys who don’t desire sex with women are seen as unnatural, so there’s a push toward not just heteronormativity, but horny heteronormativity. At the same time, men are supposed to at least try to appear pure, so you wind up with a strange balancing act where either (A) men uncomfortably talk about how hot their wives are and juvenilely hint at what may go on in their bedrooms lest they appear “unmanly” to their peers, or (B) to appease their desires, men engage in infidelity and abuse (often quietly condoned or covered up by their institutions). I’ve seen both happen more times than I can count. Evangelicalism’s encouragement of this cartoonishly overactive male libido is a recipe for disaster, which is why we need to address and repair this manifestation of toxic masculinity.

Maybe instead, we should say…
Guys, your manliness isn’t determined by your sex drive or sexual prowess or the “smoking hotness” of your spouse, and nothing good can come from fetishizing these things. Instead, be honest with yourself about how much you’re thinking about sex and what your needs are. Set realistic expectations with your partners, and don’t let your peers dictate how much or how little sex should matter to you. Just be you, and be open with the people in your life who really matter.

Just as women shouldn’t be expected to find all their value in their chastity or modesty, men shouldn’t find all their value in virility. There are more important things in this life than sex (one of the chief among them being proper communication of your feelings and desires with a partner). Rather than all the posturing and pageantry, we need to teach this approach.

Masculinity doesn’t need to find its value in conquest and appetite.
It can just as easily be about confidence, self awareness, and support of others.
Masculinity doesn’t have to be aggressive;
it can be gentle and compassionate.
And though sexuality can certainly be one facet,
masculinity doesn’t have to dwell on sex.
And if you’re one of those guys who really does have a quantum sex drive, that’s fine too, but it doesn’t have to define you, and it doesn’t have to be the only thing you talk about.

It’s true of women, men, and everyone:
sexuality is one aspect of your being,
not your whole being.