Purity rings, abstinence pledges, courting— Evangelical Christianity has a particular and peculiar stance on human sexuality. If you’re like me, you grew up surrounded by this “Purity Culture,” which relies on poorly sourced data, psychologically harmful misinformation, and carefully prooftexted bible verses. The effects of Purity Culture have been almost universally negative, and I wonder what it would look like for Christians to talk about sex more healthily. In each post in this series, I’ll give a misconception I heard growing up and offer a healthier counterpoint.

This week’s Purity Culture misconception:
“God already has your perfect wife/husband out there waiting for you. Just find your other half and stay pure for her/him in the meantime.”

I have a whole separate post on this issue (not to mention a whole Brew Theology guide), but the idea of soulmates is fraught with peril. Soulmates come from classical Greek philosophy, and while I really love the original story, the idea has some pretty negative consequences when grafted into Christianity. If you assume every person has one perfect mate somewhere out there, what about people who are asexual, prefer singleness, choose celibacy, or just never find a spouse? Also, if you discover irreconcilable differences with your “other half” and get divorced, is there another other half you have to go find now, or was that your only shot? This concept just raises too many questions, and it was never meant to coexist with Christianity in the first place. In the few instances where the New Testament does speak to married life, it offers advice on maintaining peace in your family and says nothing about “God’s perfect partner for you.” If anything, Paul states he would prefer for people to stay single, so we should probably drop the “God’s match for you” stuff no matter how well its plays in Christian Mingle ads.

Maybe instead, we should say…
For people who are wired for relationships, finding one person you want to spend the rest of your life with is an amazing gift. Just know you’ll still have plenty of ups and downs, and it will take work to cultivate and maintain a healthy relationship no matter how much you instantly click. Also remember, not everyone is wired for relationships in this way, and that’s okay too. Listen to your internal drives and stay open.

Finding an ideal match for every person is not only difficult; it’s not right. Some people just function better being single. In fact, Christianity has a long history of celibacy and singleness which has been forgotten in favor of the Nuclear Family (a much more modern and European concept). If we really want modern life to imitate the Bible, we shouldn’t emphasize romantic relationships; we should emphasize life in community with other people. If romance should blossom between members of that community, cool, but romance was never the primary objective. Instead of fixating on finding soulmates, we should focus on finding our people, and we should stay aware that everyone has different needs.