Purity rings, abstinence pledges, courting— Evangelical Christianity has a particular and peculiar stance on human sexuality. If you’re like me, you grew up surrounded by this “Purity Culture,” which relies on poorly sourced data, psychologically harmful misinformation, and carefully prooftexted bible verses. The effects of Purity Culture have been almost universally negative, and I wonder what it would look like for Christians to talk about sex more healthily. In each post in this series, I’ll give a misconception I heard growing up and offer a healthier counterpoint.

This week’s Purity Culture misconception:
“Premarital sex will emotionally scar you and undermine your marriage. It will always feel like you’re bringing other people to bed with you and your spouse. It’s like being unfaithful to your spouse before you’ve even met.”

I distinctly remember going to a youth camp where a pro-abstinence speaker used a large set of matched luggage to talk about all the baggage we would bring to our marriages if we had premarital sex. Of course, my retort of “What if I meet this perfect significant other you’re promising me, and she’s already had sex, but I haven’t?” was greeted with a swift dismissal and change of subject. Later in life, I did meet couples where one partner had waited but the other hadn’t. While this caused tension for them from time to time, they worked through it the way healthy couples do all issues: talking. It turns out openness and honesty are antidotes for all sorts of problems.

This “emotional scarring” talking point came from a misguided strategy of scaring people into good behavior. Not only does this approach hopelessly mingle sex with guilt (which will screw up even the most chaste), it also reduces marriage to something you do to avoid getting in trouble. But look, if guilt-free sex is the chief cornerstone of your relationship, you’re already heading for problems. Love must be bigger than sex. While some sexual encounters can leave emotional scars, the claim any premarital sex will irrevocably doom a marriage is an extreme overstatement and prioritizes sex way too high over things like communication.

Maybe instead, we should say…
Remember, relationships and marriage are about more than sex, and even if you’ve both been sexually abstinent, you’ll still bring different experiences and expectations to the table. While your differing experiences may raise some issues, don’t underestimate your ability to work through things together. Make sure you’re able to talk about your sex life together, and establish boundaries early. Honor one another and stay open to one another.

Even two virgins waiting until their wedding night will still have different ideas about sex, so one of the healthiest things you can do is just talk about it. Purity Culture tends to put sex on a pedestal and ignore simple conversations about expectations between partners. Instead of falling victim to this taboo, talk to your partner. Be open about what you like or don’t like; talk about what you’re expecting. Sometimes past experiences may even make you more aware of these things, and that’s okay.

Now, about the whole “baggage” thing, I know this is easier said than done, but it’s important to resist intertwining sex with shame. Your experiences are your experiences, and if your past is a deal-breaker for someone else, better to find out early on and go your separate ways amicably. If your previous experiences trouble you or produce feelings of guilt, it may be time to enlist the help of a counselor. Good counselors provide judgment-free spaces to talk about the experiences which have formed us. If you’re having trouble reckoning with your past or talking with a partner about your experiences and expectations, a counselor may help you put words to your feelings.

So yeah, let’s talk about sex.
Let’s talk about it openly and often
because partners need to know one another’s expectations,
and while our experiences don’t need to be damning,
they still affect us, and that’s okay.
It’s part of being human,
so let’s talk about it.