As an LSAT prep instructor, I work with one of the most stressed out demographics out there: highly motivated students preparing for a standardized test. I originally took the job as a way to pay my bills while pursuing my chaplaincy education, but when a student began crying one day after class, I realized this teaching position was a calling of its own. Wanting to better support my students, I started having longer conversations with them about stress and work/life balance before and after class. These conversations soon revealed just how many of my students were beating themselves up over their test scores or holding themselves to impossible schedules. Whenever they sat down to study, critical narratives played over and over in their minds and distracted them. Having a fairly vocal inner critic myself, I looked for ways to help my students navigate these stresses.

A few months into this project, my spiritual director asked me a deeply helpful question: “That internal voice who keeps nagging you— who does it sound like?” My answer came immediately; my inner critic sounded a lot like a particular friend who I knew held high expectations of me. The fear of letting him down was great enough it was overwhelming my ability to get things done. This realization helped me reframe some of the pressure I was feeling and reevaluate my goals for myself. After all, my friend wasn’t the one who had to pursue those goals; I was. Seeing how this question had helped me, I began posing it to some of my students in those venting sessions before and after classes. Their answers almost always involved friends and family:

“My inner critic? It’s my mom. She’s helping me pay for this test, so whenever I sit down to study, I feel like she’s looking over my shoulder. She’s not really of course, but it feels that way.”

“My inner critic sounds like my little brother. I want to be a good role model, but now I can’t focus because I’m so scared of letting him down. I know he wouldn’t want me to feel this way though.”

“For me, it’s my girlfriend. All this studying is wearing me out, but I just have to prove to her I can do this. I know she’d love me regardless, but it’s hard to tell my brain that.”

Or, as one particularly hardworking student responded, “My inner critic is me. I know I need to be nicer to myself. It’s hard though when there’s so much I want to do.”

Ask this question of yourself from time to time:
Who does my inner critic sound like?
Listen to your knee-jerk response, and take some time to think over that relationship. I’d guess your inner critic sounds far harsher than the real life person it’s imitating.
Maybe your goals for yourself are completely different.
Maybe you need to reconsider what you want.
Think over it.
Refocus.