Think about the last time you faced a major life transition.
It might have involved a job or a relationship or a death.
Perhaps you were moving away to some place new
or back to some place familiar.
Whatever was happening, the world around you was in flux.
Countless questions loomed.
The future was hazy, and this must have been a source of tremendous unease as you mulled over the endless possibilities ahead of you.
Do you have such a scenario in mind?
Okay, now think about how much you wanted to throw your hands up and walk away whenever someone cheerfully asked, “So what’s next for you?!”
When we ask people about the future, we open a Pandora’s box of speculations and anxieties. As Yoda expressed in The Empire Strikes Back, the future is always in motion, making it that much harder to know. Looking back at the past may provide insight. Thinking about the present may offer clarity. But thinking about the future is a fast track to fruitless worrying.
When a person chooses to confide in you, reflective questions can help provide a sense of perspective. Make sure to ask about feelings in the present. After all, as we’ve discussed elsewhere on this blog, a simple “How are you feeling about all this?” can be an amazing avenue toward fuller self-awareness (which can then lead to better self-care). Similarly, conversations about the past can help reframe a person’s story and clarify the motivations of the people involved, but avoid the temptation to moralize someone else’s journey. Do your best to stay in neutral when people share their experiences; if meaning is to be found there, let the other person lead the process.
While you can encourage reflection and introspection with these questions about the present and past, questions about the future may add to an already stressful situation. “What’s the worst that could happen?” is a question with infinite answers, and we tend to gravitate toward the scariest ones.
Reflecting on what has happened already
or examining what is happening currently
is far less intimidating and far more useful
than the endless hypotheticals of what could happen potentially.
People may bring up the future without prompting, and that’s okay, but don’t intentionally steer them there. Keep your focus on the present, and allow the occasional journey into the past, but odds are the person sitting across from you is already thinking far too much about the journey ahead.