A “crisis” is any situation, expected or otherwise, which disrupts the normal flow of life and family. Whether a death, divorce, job loss, move, or mental health emergency, everyone eventually experiences a crisis, and everyone responds differently. Unfortunately, for those providing support, someone else’s crisis can be highly uncomfortable, and there are a number of cliches which escape our lips to occupy the uncomfortable space. From what I’ve studied and seen in nearly a decade of ministry, saying nothing at all and just being present is almost always the best option, but if you feel like you have to say something, I have a suggestion:
What not to say:
“God needed another angel in Heaven.”
(also “God needed him/her more than we did.”)
Why it’s bad:
[sigh]
Of all the cliches that tend to seep out of our mouths in uncomfortable situations, I count this among the worst (if not the worst). I’m sure it’s well-intentioned, but with this sentiment’s many faults, it ultimately lacks any redeeming value. While many of the cliches we’ve examined in this series present one or two stumbling blocks to mourners, this expression offers three:
1: “God needed…”
As established before in this series, we should always be careful ascribing blame to God. Not only does this sentiment make God look pretty petty; it denies humans our right to grieve— “Why are you crying? This is God’s will!” Not only is this train of thought theologically suspect; it can incite some volatile reactions from people in mourning. A few years ago at the hospital, I overheard a grieving widow quickly clap back at this expression, “Well, what made God think we didn’t need him DOWN HERE?!” She had a point.
2: “…another angel…”
Appearing throughout the bible, the angels’ exact nature is never really explained, but these heavenly beings are present from creation onward and act as God’s messengers, warriors, and attendants. Now, I don’t pretend to understand how angels work, but I find it unlikely humans become angels when we die. There are no biblical examples of a human becoming an angel. More likely, angels and humans are two separate types of created beings serving different purposes. Saying someone “became an angel” doesn’t make the pain any less real, and it introduces a bunch of questions the bible doesn’t really address.
3: “…in Heaven.”
Okay, we’re about to get into some weird territory here, and I won’t be surprised if I get some pushback: Heaven has multiple meanings in the bible.
It refers to the sky (i.e. “the heavens”);
it describes a seemingly immediate afterlife;
and it also describes the Kingdom still to come.
For our purposes, we’ll focus on the last two. When most modern speakers use the word “heaven,”, we’re talking about a spiritual afterlife or the Kingdom of Heaven, which might be the same thing or might not be. When Jesus and the Apostles speak of the Kingdom of Heaven, their description is a literal physical place in the future. On the other hand, some of the visions, parables, poetic depictions, and prayers (“Our Father, Who art in Heaven…”) imply a current spiritual Heaven. As such, many Christians hold different beliefs about Heaven:
– Some Christians believe when you die, your soul leaves your body and goes immediately to a spiritual Heaven to await rebirth in a new body when the physical Heaven comes.
– Some Christians believe the spiritual Heaven is a modern invention; instead, we sleep in a sort of “temporary death” until the arrival of the physical Heaven, at which time we’re resurrected.
– Some Christians believe the spiritual Heaven is the physical Heaven, but it’s just elsewhere right now, and we’re awaiting its arrival.
– Some Christians only believe in the spiritual Heaven and don’t really trouble themselves with the physical one.
And the list goes on and on and on.
Knowing all these interpretations are out there, when a patient or a patient’s family member brings up Heaven, I only offer my personal take if asked. In that room and in that time, the “correct” understanding of Heaven is whatever the other person believes; the sacred space of the bedside isn’t the place for theological arguments. The only time I offer any sort of gentle correction is when a professing Christian talks about getting to Heaven by being a good person, at which point I will say something like, “Remember, you don’t have to do that; it’s not on you. Jesus’s love covers our shortcomings, and he welcomes us with open arms. You’re safe because you’re loved.”
Conversations about the nature of Heaven can lead us pretty deep into the weeds, and unless you focus specifically on caregiving during such conversations, they’re almost always unhelpful. Unless someone explicitly asks you for you’re take, it’s best to avoid the topic.
Keep things broad.
Leave space for others.
Just, whatever you do, don’t say “God needed another angel in Heaven,” because every word of that sentence is flawed.
Better option:
Anything. Anything is better.
Or even nothing. Saying nothing might be best of all.
In fact, saying nothing is surprisingly helpful.
Why it’s better:
“God needed another angel in Heaven” has no business being spoken in any situation. It shifts blame to God, dismisses the grieving process, and raises a ton of unhelpful questions about how exactly the afterlife works. Literally anything is better, but if this expression is the only thing coming to mind, saying nothing at all would be more helpful. Consider staying silent and leaving the other person space to arrive at her/his own answers instead. Your silence will do far more good than these words ever could.