A “crisis” is any situation, expected or otherwise, which disrupts the normal flow of life and family. Whether a death, divorce, job loss, move, or mental health emergency, everyone eventually experiences a crisis, and everyone responds differently. Unfortunately, for those providing support, someone else’s crisis can be highly uncomfortable, and there are a number of cliches which escape our lips to occupy the uncomfortable space. From what I’ve studied and seen in nearly a decade of ministry, saying nothing at all and just being present is almost always the best option, but if you feel like you have to say something, I have a suggestion:
What not to say:
“Everything happens for a reason.”
Why it’s bad:
I’ve talked before on this blog about the dangers of blaming God for any misfortune, so for this expression, I’m going to jump instead to its origins:
Jesus didn’t say it. Paul didn’t say it. No one in the Bible said it.
As a matter of fact, the Greek philosopher Democritus said it,
and it doesn’t mean what people think it means.
The full quote is “Nothing occurs at random, but everything for a reason and by necessity.” A pioneer of not only philosophy, but physics as well, Democritus believed in the existence of “indivisibles” (an early attempt to comprehend atoms). Theorizing the interactions between these indivisibles caused everything in universe, Democritus concluded every action and decision must be predetermined. Democritus’s philosophy doesn’t necessarily hint at a grand masterplan; it’s more about natural consequences for everything, so perhaps “reason” isn’t the most accurate translation. “Everything happens because something else happened” rings a little truer to his intent, but that’s not usually what people mean when they pop out this cliche today. Usually, when we say, “Everything happens for a reason,” we really mean, “This must be building toward something better.”
Whether you mean it the way Democritus intended or in the more modern sense, the expression doesn’t lead anywhere helpful. It either sends people into spirals of reflection on the past (looking for some unknowable cause), or it creates endless, fruitless speculation about the future, simply dismissing current feelings and emotions in the process.
Neither of these approaches allows a person to sit in the present moment.
Neither provides companionship or support.
Better option:
“I don’t know why this happened or what may come of it, but I’m here for you now.”
Why it’s better:
It does little good to live in the future or live in the past. There’s something holy about the present moment. When you willingly set aside speculation about the future and obsession about the past, a strange peace emerges. Being with someone in the present is one of the greatest gifts you can give, and simply stating you’re here now often opens the door for deeper questions:
How are you feeling about this situation?
Who else has been checking in on you?
Who do you want at your side in the days ahead?
What are you most worried about right now?
When you’re scared or upset, where do you usually look for comfort, and can I help facilitate that in some way?
All of these questions must begin with a surrender to the present moment,
not a hypothetical future,
not a past being examined through the lens of crisis,
the present moment.
When you commit to sitting with someone in the present, you provide a gift seldom shared in the current age: full presence, and with presence comes peace.