A “crisis” is any situation, expected or otherwise, which disrupts the normal flow of life and family. Whether a death, divorce, job loss, move, or mental health emergency, everyone eventually experiences a crisis, and everyone responds differently. Unfortunately, for those providing support, someone else’s crisis can be highly uncomfortable, and there are a number of cliches which escape our lips to occupy the uncomfortable space. From what I’ve studied and seen in nearly a decade of ministry, saying nothing at all and just being present is almost always the best option, but if you feel like you have to say something, I have a suggestion:
What not to say:
“It’s not the end of the world!” (see also: “It’s not that bad.”)
Why it’s bad:
I will never forget a conversation with a student early in my youth ministry tenure. At 14 years old, this young woman was utterly mortified because of a social situation at school that day. A conversation in the cafeteria was weighing heavily on her mind, and I listened distractedly as she analyzed each of her friends’ responses to an offhanded comment she had made. Her anxiety escalated as she thought through each friend’s reaction, and as my mind drifted to lesson plans and committee meetings, I uttered a sentence to her I have never said since: “It’s not the end of the world, right?” She immediately burst out crying; in her young and anxious mind, where everything felt too immense to handle, it sure felt like the end of the world!
In both youth ministry and hospital settings, I have seen too many suicide attempts sparked by incidents we might deem “not the end of the world.” While these crises might not seem too major for us, in someone else’s eyes, such an event might be earth-shattering. Instead of dismissing people’s emotions, we need to validate them, and this starts with admitting the limits of our own understandings.
We never know someone else’s experiences.
We never know someone else’s struggles.
We never know what might send another person into a spiral of anxiety and frustration.
We can never say something “isn’t the end of the world,” because to the person hearing that comment, it might actually feel like the world is ending.
There’s an old joke we tell in hospitals: “What’s the difference between a ‘major procedure’ and a ‘minor procedure’? If it’s happening to me, it’s major.” While said in jest, the expression hints at a deeper truth: problems always seem less serious when you’re not the one experiencing them.
Better option:
“This sounds very important to you. How would your life change if…”
Why it’s better:
Always affirm. When you downplay or deny someone’s emotions (as “It’s not the end of the world” most certainly does), you put that person on the defensive, adding that much more tension to the conversation. Always start by noting how important or serious a situation may be. Once you’ve done this, you can still help a person process a situation’s impact by asking more neutral questions:
– How do you think your life would change if your parents really did split up?
– What would happen if you just stayed single for a while?
– If your job doesn’t turn out like you hope, how will that change your career trajectory?
These kinds of questions invite people to consider how their crises may (or may not) alter their lives without the judgmental tone of “It’s not the end of the world.” Some crises really do feel smaller once you think through their consequences, but it’s not up to us as caregivers to make that call.
Remember: to the person feeling scared in that moment, it’s always major, so acknowledge it as such. Only then can you start to help.