“How’s it going?”
I’m not sure how many times a day I hear this question. Whether it pops up in line at the grocery store, waiting for an elevator, or bumping into an old friend I haven’t seen in a few years, this general conversation starter is everywhere. Over the years, we’ve all been conditioned to reply automatically:
Pretty good.
Not bad.
Alright.
Just fine.
Can’t complain.
I can count on one hand the number of times a bravely candid person has answered this question with anything negative. Social pressures dictate, when asked how we’re doing or how it’s going (whatever “it” is), we should answer with something relatively upbeat lest the conversation get too deep and too emotional. Sometimes, however, we need to get emotional. To help people process and make meaning of their experiences, we need to ask questions that invite deeper exploration than “How’s it going?” I’ve found two strategies for getting to that deeper place:

1) Ask something more specific.
This is great for those quick passing conversations as well as the longer ones. If you’re in the checkout line, rather than asking the cashier how she is doing, ask her how her shift has been. If you’re in the elevator with someone, rather than asking how it’s going, ask what brings him or her to the building today. A more specific question will always yield a more candid answer. Asking something specific also shows you’re paying attention, which affirms the other person and will likely lead to a deeper conversation.

2) Go with the old reliable therapy question.
Sure, this question may elicit some eye rolls, but there are still few inquiries as powerful as “How does that make you feel?” This question directly sets aside the “doings” of life and puts the focus squarely on thoughts and emotions. If the wording seems cliche to you, try these alternatives:
– “How did you respond to that?”
– “How did that sit with you?”
– “What did you make of that?”
The variations are endless. Even switching up the word order or inflection a little (“How did you feel when that happened?”) can help a person reflect on a deeper level.

For whatever reason, our culture resists talking about feelings, and when we avoid talking about feelings, we miss out on real human connection. Thankfully, a well-placed, well-worded question can open up deeper conversations, and these alternatives to “How’s it going?” are a good starting point.