President Calvin Coolidge famously bore the nickname “Silent Cal.” His sparse, abrupt, and pithy responses have become the stuff of myth. For example, Coolidge once returned from church only to have this legendary exchange with his wife, Grace:

Grace: “How was church today?”
Cal: “Good.”
Grace: “What did the pastor talk about?”
Cal: “Sin.”
Grace: “Well, what did he say about it?!”
Cal: “He was against it.”

If a question can be answered with a single word (especially yes/no), it’s usually not a good question. The best questions invite people to tell stories and share experiences, and half of good conversation is just learning to ask these sorts of questions. Throughout this series, we’ll dive into the skills and techniques for asking better questions —the sorts of questions that spur deeper conversation—, and this week, we’ll start with the most essential question-asking technique:

Helpful questions must be open questions.
There’s a subtle difference between an open question and a closed question (like the kind Grace Coolidge asked). A closed question calls for a particular piece of information, while an open question fuels reflection and mental processing. For example:

Closed: “Where do you work?”
Open: “How did you get interested in this line of work?”

Closed: “Do you have plans tonight?”
Open: “How would you describe your ideal night?”

Closed: “What are you sick with?”
Open: “How has your stay in the hospital been?”

In addition to all the open questions being a bit longer and beginning with “how,” notice how they invite the listener to reflect on an experience or tell a story. This is the strength of open questions. While closed questions can be answered absentmindedly, open questions require some thought, and this opens the door to deeper conversation. To ask these kinds of questions, always stop to think, “Could what I’m about to ask be answered in a single word?” If so, consider rephrasing it with “How…” or “Tell me about…”

For a set of truly exceptional open questions, check out The Ungame, developed by Rhea Zakich. An educator living in California, Zakich developed polyps on her vocal cords that kept her from speaking for several months. During this time, desperate to communicate with her family, Zakich began writing open-ended discussion prompts on notecards:
Talk about your best vacation ever.
Share a recent dream you’ve had.
Describe the best dessert you’ve ever eaten.
What would you want your funeral to look like?

Zakich would hold up the cards to get her family talking, and even after she regained her speech months later, her family continued to use the cards to better listen to each other. Zakich eventually published her deck of cards as The Ungame, a non-competitive learning and listening exercise. Because the cards never repeat, players don’t need to waste mental energy thinking about how they would answer questions. Furthermore, the questions from The Ungame can never be answered with a simply yes or no; they require longer explanations— often full stories. If you want to work on your listening skills and ask the sort of questions that could get Silent Cal talking, The Ungame is a great place to start.