A “crisis” is any situation, expected or otherwise, which disrupts the normal flow of life and family. Whether a death, divorce, job loss, move, or mental health emergency, everyone eventually experiences a crisis, and everyone responds differently. Unfortunately, for those providing support, someone else’s crisis can be highly uncomfortable, and there are a number of cliches which escape our lips to occupy the uncomfortable space. From what I’ve studied and seen in nearly a decade of ministry, saying nothing at all and just being present is almost always the best option, but if you feel like you have to say something, I have a suggestion:
What not to say:
“At least you still have ___________.”
Why it’s bad:
In a time of crisis, people’s feelings define their whole worlds. It may not be possible for them to see beyond the pain of the moment, and forcing them to do so only makes you the bad guy. Even if you succeed, forcing people to focus on the good in their lives may dismiss the bad before they’ve had time to process it, and tuning out difficult emotions just makes them bubble up in other unhealthy ways. As one of my mentors puts it:
When you experience a crisis,
first you must feel it,
next you need to talk about it,
and only then can you start to make meaning of it,
and none of these steps can be rushed.
Shifting attention too quickly to the positive undermines this process, so resist the urge to do this. Let people find their way naturally over time.
Whenever I hear “at least you still have…” in a time of crisis, it’s usually more about comforting the person saying it. It’s like there’s an unspoken “I can’t make sense of what this person is going through” at the beginning of the sentence, and the “at least you still have” portion softens it and makes it more tenable for the speaker. I once worked with a couple who experienced a devastating miscarriage of twins, and in conversation about how best to care for them in their loss, a friend commented to me privately, “At least they still have their two older kids, right? I mean, that must make this a little easier.” Having two healthy children did not erase the couple’s pain, but the statement was this friend’s way of making it bearable for herself. The miscarriage was something this friend could not process at the time, so she redirected instead of letting those feelings play out.
Better option:
“…”
Why it’s better:
Yep, nothing. Say nothing. Just be there.
If you’re thinking, “At least you still have…,” then clearly you’re uncomfortable with the situation. Stop and ask yourself why. What is it about this person’s crisis that feels so unfathomable to you? What is it about this specific pain that resonates with you and makes you want to deflect to a more positive topic? Maybe you need to step outside for a moment and collect your thoughts. Maybe you need to tag in someone else to help. Maybe you even need to go home for a bit and check back later. All these things are okay. We call them self-awareness and self-care, and they’re essential to survival in any field of caregiving. So stay aware of your feelings, and keep a close watch over your words. If you can’t wrap your mind around something, that’s okay. Just stop and listen for a while (both to the other people in the room and to your own emotions). Maybe give someone a good long hug. Shed a tear or two. When you feel tempted to redirect or rationalize, take the counterintuitive advice of the same mentor I referenced earlier:
Don’t just do something. Sit there.
After all, your presence is always enough, and this is a far better gift than words deployed too hastily.