A “crisis” is any situation, expected or otherwise, which disrupts the normal flow of life and family. Whether a death, divorce, job loss, move, or mental health emergency, everyone eventually experiences a crisis, and everyone responds differently. Unfortunately, for those providing support, someone else’s crisis can be highly uncomfortable, and there are a number of cliches which escape our lips to occupy the uncomfortable space. From what I’ve studied and seen in nearly a decade of ministry, saying nothing at all and just being present is almost always the best option, but if you feel like you have to say something, I have a suggestion:
What not to say:
“Just pray!”
(See also: “Just have faith!”)
Why it’s bad:
I know I say this often, but you can never assume you know how another person feels. This becomes even truer in the realm of prayer (which may be exceedingly public or incredibly private). Unless people specifically tell you how much they have prayed over a situation, you have no way of knowing, so you should never assume someone has not prayed enough.
Also, because there are so many different attitudes toward prayer, saying “just pray” could unknowingly introduce new levels of guilt or blame into this situation. I’ve seen people blame themselves for “not praying hard enough” when prayers appear to go unanswered, and I’ve also seen people express deep anger and disappointment with God in these times too. Unless you’re willing to sit and listen while someone unpacks these complex feelings toward God and themselves, don’t drop a bomb like “just pray” into the conversation.
This is also true of shoehorning a spoken prayer into a conversation. If we believe God knows our thoughts, then speaking a prayer out loud is more about the human ears hearing it. Spoken prayer can be a tremendous comfort, but it can also create unease if a person has not requested it. In my role as a hospital chaplain, I seldom ask people to pray anymore. When I first started, I insisted on ending every conversation with a spoken prayer, but over time, I noticed this was creating more discomfort than comfort, so I switched to a more neutral “Is there anything else I can help you with today?” About 60% of the time, people respond to this question by requesting prayer, and for the 40% who don’t, I simply say, “I’ll be keeping you in my prayers throughout the day.”
Of course, since the majority of people reading this probably won’t be hospital chaplains, there may be an even better option that meets a more immediate need.
Better option:
“Who else are you leaning on for support right now?”
Why it’s better:
Sometimes God needs a human face. Sometimes the idea of a far-off being who may or may not hear our prayers is more alienating than comforting. Pointing to human sources of support sidesteps the potential icebergs of faith issues and ensures a person has other people to lean on. There may be times to talk about faith and prayer, but as previously stated, if people really want you to pray, they’ll usually ask you outright. In everyday conversation, I’ve found it’s even better to ask general questions about support and leave the door open for people to answer however they want. If people want to respond to this question in a spiritual manner, they’re still free to do so.
I once asked a fellow youth minister this question, and he piously closed his eyes and responded definitively, “MY STRENGTH IS IN THE LORD!” Yeah, okay. In his case, I decided to push him further, rephrasing the question as, “What humans are you leaning on for support right now?” He dropped his preacher voice, and we really talked.
I never want to undercut the power of prayer, but when we use prayer to fill an awkward space or smooth over immediate physical needs, we do people a disservice. A more open question like “Who else are you leaning on for support right now?” can still open the door to a conversation about prayer, but it also gives people a chance to talk about more temporal concerns.