The smell of smoke hung thick in the air in the breezeway under the McBride Dormitory at Kenyon College. Gathered around an octagonal picnic table, a group of freshman boys —all experimenting with facial hair to varying degrees of success— sat puffing on cigars and talking about… um… “man stuff.”
The scene was intentionally comical of course. Whenever an unsuspecting passerby approached, the young men would begin loudly debating the merits of yacht ownership in feigned Victorian accents to a chorus of “Harrumph!” from their compatriots. Once the passerby was sufficiently befuddled and hurried on his/her way, the subject matter would revert back to what all college freshman boys discussed: homework, philosophy, and a healthy dose of drug and sex jokes. The self-described “Man Club” (which actually included many young women so long as they smoked cigars and yelled “harrumph”) met every Sunday night, and all the participants knew it to be a joke.

About a decade later, I was on a men’s retreat with a church group, and as the men sat around smoking cigars and posturing with stories about how they got various scars, it hit me: “Holy crap, this is Man Club, but I think they’re taking it seriously. Why isn’t anyone laughing?” At this point, a large hornet landed on my foot, causing the men to back away heroically.

Recently, two hashtags made the rounds on twitter: #ThingsOnlyChristianWomenHear and #ThingsOnlyBlackChristianWomenHear. Using the hashtags, Christian women shared some of the horrible, dismissive things that had been said to them in church. The tweets were challenging in all the right ways (even if many were painful to hear). As a male reader, I took the tweets as a reminder to listen to all voices and to stand up to injustices whenever I am able.
Soon after, another hashtag popped up: #ThingsOnlyChristianMenHear. These tweets still pointed to gender inequality in churches, but most did so by mocking traditional “men’s ministry” like the retreat I described. While the men’s concerns paled in comparison to what the women described, it was nice to know I’m not the only one who feels out of place in men’s ministry.
I have no patience for machismo.
Cigar smoke makes me throw up.
I like my steak medium.
I think the whole “alpha male” movement is based in insecurity.
And, unless you’re the Joker, no, I really don’t care how you got those scars.
But for some reason, our society —especially our churches— seems completely hung up on this image of men getting back to their brash, primal roots out in the wild that spawned us. Simply put, I don’t get it. I don’t see much Jesus in it. I don’t see why churches should invest their time in it. And don’t get me wrong: it’s not that I’m a stranger to it. I’ve been in men’s groups. I’ve read Stephen Mansfield and John Eldridge and Mark Driscoll. I’ve followed the Art of Manliness blog. And I’ve had more than my share of guys’ nights. They all bore the crap out of me. (And don’t even get me started on the role that masculinity and femininity play in the cocktail world; that’ll have to be its own post.)

Men’s ministry writers like David Murrow argue the modern church involves a lot of sitting, thinking, feeling, singing— all things most young boys resist wholeheartedly. As such, the church dropout rate among teenage boys is significantly higher than among teenage girls; once they’re old enough, young men tend to stop going. As such, church attendance is majority female in every age group beyond the elementary level.

While the data itself is correct (women significantly outnumber men in church), Murrow’s argument makes a number of faulty assumptions. It treats the normal childish inability to sit still as a masculine trait, but in reality, people of all ages and genders struggle with it– especially Jessi and me! The argument also assumes that the modern church is “becoming more feminine” when women have always been running churches. The key difference is women are now being recognized as leaders and ordained, which more fragile men perceive as a threat. Sadly, many men have responded by creating over-the-top men’s ministries that are one cage match away from Fight Club. This is not productive.

We need a better understanding of masculinity that healthily regards all kinds of people, and there are many writers doing extensive work in this area. I know this article just scratches the surface of the issue, but hopefully it also sparks some conversation.

Harrumph.

A special thanks to Jessi and to our friend Bethany Benz-Whittington for really helping me hone this piece. If any of this post either intrigues or upsets you, please reach out. I always welcome collaborators on these articles.