A “crisis” is any situation, expected or otherwise, which disrupts the normal flow of life and family. Whether a death, divorce, job loss, move, or mental health emergency, everyone eventually experiences a crisis, and everyone responds differently. Unfortunately, for those providing support, someone else’s crisis can be highly uncomfortable, and there are a number of cliches which escape our lips to occupy the uncomfortable space. From what I’ve studied and seen in nearly a decade of ministry, saying nothing at all and just being present is almost always the best option, but if you feel like you have to say something, I have a suggestion:
What not to say:
“God won’t give us more than we can handle.”
Why it’s bad:
As stated it other posts from this series, we always need to be careful assigning God the blame for our misfortune, but this old expression goes a step farther. Think about the implications of the statement: If God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, then the fault must lie entirely in our handling of the situation. By this expression’s logic, not only is God actively inflicting pain on us, but we’re the ones in the wrong for being too weak to “handle” it. This expression amounts to little more than “suck it up” in churchier language, so where did it come from?
The “more than we can handle” cliche is likely a distortion of 1 Corinthians 10:13, which states, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” Notice how this verse has nothing to do with suffering or pain or loss, only temptation. Also, according to this verse, God is not the one tempting us; rather, God is helping us resist temptation and even providing avenues of escape when necessary. While likely the inspiration for “God won’t give us more than we can handle,” this verse ultimately says something totally different: God is not the inflictor of our suffering, and we are not expected to handle everything on our own. God is with us even in the most trying circumstances and will provide support for us.
So I’m not sure who first said “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle,” but he or she was performing some pretty impressive biblical contortionism.
Better option:
“I believe in you, and I’ll be with you through this.”
Why it’s better:
Think back to the original verse.
In 1 Corinthians 10:13, God is faithful. God helps us resist temptation. God works to ensure the temptations we face are no more severe than what others have already endured. But even so, God still provides us support and even escape when it feels like the weight is too much to bear. What if we had an expression that conveyed that sentiment instead?
While the “more than we can handle” rhetoric comes off condescending and judgmental, believing in someone can be affirming and empowering. Your belief sends people the message they can handle their circumstances, but it doesn’t apply the same guilt and pressure of “more than we can handle.” Of course, Jessi pointed out to me that having others believe in you can also be very intimidating, so some statement of support is necessary. As God handles the temptations described in 1 Corinthians, we too should promise our support of others and then carry through on that promise.
The suffering in this world is frequently more than we can handle,
but with ongoing support and encouragement from others,
people in crises may find their situations a little more manageable.
And even if not, even if the situation continues to overwhelm,
at least these people will have one more safe haven: you.