A “crisis” is any situation, expected or otherwise, which disrupts the normal flow of life and family. Whether a death, divorce, job loss, move, or mental health emergency, everyone eventually experiences a crisis, and everyone responds differently. Unfortunately, for those providing support, someone else’s crisis can be highly uncomfortable, and there are a number of cliches which escape our lips to occupy the uncomfortable space. From what I’ve studied and seen in nearly a decade of ministry, saying nothing at all and just being present is almost always the best option, but if you feel like you have to say something, I have a suggestion:
What not to say:
“Ours is not to reason why.”
Why it’s bad:
While the expression may be intended as a soft way of saying “we’re not going to find an answer to this,” it comes off surprisingly condescending. Worse still, it suggests God is selfishly hoarding all the answers, and we just have to go along with it. This expression has always bothered me, so I did a little digging and confirmed it’s nowhere in the Bible. It actually comes from Alfred Lord Tennyson’s Charge of the Light Brigade, which depicts a group of soldiers making a heroic but ill-advised charge at the 1854 Battle of Balaclava in the Crimean War. The full line reads:
Theirs was not to make reply,
Theirs was not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die.
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
Cheery, huh? While Tennyson exalts these soldiers for their adherence to orders, the tone is still dubious, and when you apply this famous line to God, the redeemer of the universe looks more like a shortsighted commander ordering us to our deaths.
No thank you.
Even so, there’s a gem of a good idea here: the “why” of a situation often lies beyond our comprehension. But how can we convey this sentiment without the harsh implications of the original expression?
Better option:
“I don’t know if we’ll ever know ‘why,’ but maybe I can help you with ‘what next.’”
Why it’s better:
I’ve actually used this expression many times in my role as a chaplain (particularly with trauma cases). As stated before, sometimes dwelling too much on the “why” can lead to some unhealthy thought spirals, and this new expression offers a soft pivot away from that territory. I didn’t come up with the expression, but I can still remember the first time I said something like it.
A young couple at a previous church were struggling with the husband’s new job. While the added income was helping their financial situation, his hours and stress level were putting a strain on their relationship. When the job was first offered, the couple had celebrated it as a gift from God, but as I sat there talking with them that day, they put forth a different theory: “We don’t know if this was from God or the Devil.” For the next half hour or so, the couple went back and forth awarding points to God or Satan, trying to figure out which entity caused their situation. Admittedly, I was getting a little annoyed with this unanswerable exercise, and I finally cut them off, “Look, I don’t care which of them did it, and I don’t see how knowing would change things, so let’s identify some things within your control.” Keep in mind, I was saying this before a lot of chaplaincy training, and now the thought of saying “I don’t care” about anything makes me wince. Still, the sentiment had the desired effect, and we identified some concrete steps toward repairing their relationship; they’re still together today.
I believe in the power of questions.
I believe our questions typically shape us more than our answers.
I believe there is beauty in wrestling with a really good question.
So please know I don’t say lightly:
“Why” questions tend to be kind of useless.
They may be cathartic and necessary to ask from time to time, but even when they have knowable answers, those answers do little to improve a situation. While simply dismissing these questions with “ours is not to reason why” can make things worse, consciously redirecting people into a “what next” mindset can be incredibly constructive— even empowering.
Though “why” will often elude us, “what next” gives us something concrete.
Please consider putting this into a book so I can buy it! This content is incredible. Keep up the great work!
Thanks, Sherri! This particular format and subject matter have lended themselves to a LOT of posts. What’s gone up on the blog so far in this series is maybe half of it. I’ll keep your suggestion in mind about maybe sending some bound copies off to a publisher or two!
😁 Defo right matey
It was was never meant to be taken in a religious context or apply to our daily lives. It is the necessary mindset of a soldier, for without it an army would fall apart. I’m not sure why you ever thought this was a quote from the bible but it seems to me that every problem you’ve had with it is the result of your own lack of knowledge and insight.
I stress this because you write this article as one who is uncovered some great and subtle deception when you’re the one who’s deceived himself by failing to ask questions in the first place, a practice you claim to put much faith in. The irony is almost palpable.
Oh, and just so you know, I’m a devout catholic who served two tours in Iraq. Sometimes I hated the orders I was given but understood the necessity of following them.
Michael, thanks for your comment, but it seems you approached my article with some incorrect assumptions about my reasons for writing. The “ours is not to reason…” expression often gets used in settings where it is not appropriate, and I am writing against that, not in favor of it. I personally have never believed it to be in the Bible and have never used it in a pastoral care setting, but many people do operate under the mistaken impression it’s in there, so this post is for them. This post (and this whole series of posts) is designed to push back on people’s reckless use of these types of phrases in crisis settings. The misuse of this phrase is not a “great and subtle deception,” but it is something that has wrongfully seeped into popular cliche over the decades, and I’m trying to extricate it. Thank you for your service and for the thought you have put in to this phrase’s use.
Although I do see a problem with my wording that might have led you to those conclusions. I’ve changed “discovered” to “confirmed” to more accurately reflect my study of this phrase.
Tom what did the sabr mean?
Well said
Hi, I just came across this and see your point in terms of someone going through a personal crisis such as a sudden loss, but in a broader context, such as a Military setting and especially now during a global pandemic I assert that this “cliche” is quite appropriate. How do you get large quantities of people to conform and comply for the interest of the greater good? The current mantra of “Stay in Inside” and Flatten the Curve” are ideal scenarios for this type of logic since if everyone was to question “why” it would be social chaos and result in an exhaustive tirade of justifications to “convince” people it is teh right choice as opposed to people just doing as they are told! Great article and perspective, but situational factors will also influence the interpretation of phrases such as this! Here is another one “Service before Self”!