How to Argue: Final Thoughts

As an LSAT instructor, I teach argument for a living, and because of that, I’ve become the most annoying Facebook friend ever. Rather than just jumping right into the NFL national anthem controversy, I’ve decided to use this issue as a test case for how to argue properly. This is the seventh and final post in a series, so click here for background on the NFL national anthem debate, here for arguments and assumptions, here for definitions, here for personal attacks and straw men, here for misleading statistics, and here for gatekeeping.

Having now discussed formal argument at length, I want to cover some general guidelines I’ve found helpful when engaging people with different perspectives (particularly on social media). These aren’t in any particular order, and as always, I welcome your feedback, pushback, and suggestions:

KYRCamp-NYC_1686-600x400Be constructive. Lately, I’ve been repeating a mantra to myself when I engage people online: “We all want to make America better.” Rather than settling for criticism, let’s take the next step and discuss solutions whenever possible. Besides leading to some good ideas, this outlook also keeps conversations much friendlier. Of course, there are exceptions; sometimes shared lament needs to override constructiveness for a moment, and that’s okay. The constructive mindset can also be tabled temporarily when dealing with “trolls” (i.e. people who get enjoyment from making others angry). It’s never any use reasoning with trolls, but speaking of getting angry…

Keep your cool. Growing up in the Lewis household, there was an unspoken rule for arguments: the first person to yell loses. In-person arguments can get heated, and while deescalating the situation is always preferable, walking away is okay too. While social media arguments can easily get out of hand, no one is sitting there making you respond. If you find yourself getting angry, take a break and come back to it later. If you sense someone else getting angry or irrational without any sign of cooling down, just stop responding— maybe for a few hours, maybe for a few days, or maybe even indefinitely. Our blood pressures are all high enough already.

920x920Redefine what it means to “win” an argument. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen people change their minds on social media, and the numbers for face-to-face conversation aren’t much higher. It’s nigh impossible to persuade someone in a single interaction, so instead of proving people wrong, try to understand where they’re coming from. How did they arrive at their views? How do their experiences differ from yours? What keeps us talking past each other? I frequently repeat to myself, “Understanding is winning,” and this has made arguing 1,000 times easier in both the online and physical spaces.

Acknowledge when it’s personal. It’s hard to argue objectively when something carries deep personal significance, so give folks a little grace on issues that they’ve experienced firsthand. For example, regarding the NFL and Black Lives Matter, if the person I’m talking with is black, military, a police officer, or has loved ones in these categories, I’m intentionally slower to speak. This person has lived the issue being debated, so I want to stay open to their experiences possibly reshaping my opinion. Additionally, when something being discussed is deeply personal to me, I’m willing to say so and, if necessary, step back from the argument. It’s okay for some topics to be off limits, and staying out of some fights is part of taking care of yourself.

JCY2AruDon’t post anything you’re not prepared to defend. By posting something in a public space, you’re inviting disagreement. If you can’t handle people disagreeing with you, don’t post it at all. Sharing your views can require a lot of bravery, but sitting there and defending them requires even more. This rule goes double for posts that may be offensive or inflammatory; if you wouldn’t feel comfortable explaining it to your great grandmother, don’t post it.

If possible, shift conversations to the phone or in-person. While some debates in the public space can be informative to observers, when you’re trying to listen or persuade someone, Facebook and Twitter aren’t the greatest platforms. If you talk in person, it becomes far harder to recite talking points, copy/paste from dubious news sources, or scream “snowflake” and run away. (I mean, you can, but you’re going to get some funny looks at Starbucks.) Of course, if someone is actively bullying you or others on social media (i.e. repeated personal attacks with no attempt at honest conversation), it’s okay to block them and move on. It’s always okay to end a discussion that has turned unhealthy; those who are really your friends will understand.

Pray for the people you argue with. I know this one sounds kind of sanctimonious, but hear me out. Prayer isn’t only a request for God to improve people’s lives; it also reshapes how you view the people you engage.
When you ask to see people through God’s eyes,
your anger turns to sympathy,
your frustration turns to pity,
your condemnation turns to concern.
Jesus says explicitly to pray for our enemies,
and the Dalai Lama says to defeat our enemies by turning them into friends.
Of course, as Jesus instructed, keep these prayers between you and God. Telling someone “I’ll pray for you” in the middle of a heated conversation sounds more threatening than kind. (Hmm… future post idea…)

21768310_494954157526569_9020065286238571321_nIn general, I find the Brew Theology guidelines helpful:
(1) No soapboxes allowed; no one person or viewpoint gets the last word.
(2) Respect all others and their viewpoints.
(3) Extend courtesy by listening well.
(4) Everything is up for discussion.

And, when in doubt, just don’t be a jerk.

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